I rarely keep my ass at home for a full day but when I have to, I take the opportunity to get caught up on a lot of shit. I read my backlog of magazines, I deal with my “You Can’t Possibly Put This Off Any Longer” stack and I also get to look around websites I don’t check out all the time.
Last week, I got to catch up on all the deals the good people at Groupon are currently featuring. Imagine my surprise when, in between all the massage and teeth whitening packages, refurbished tablets and yoga class deals, I found this:
As has apparently become my tradition, I’ll just do the run-on paragraph, stream of uncensored thought thing here.
Is the Solar Bullet approved by Al Gore and did he test it on Tipper? Is this an Earth Day only promotion or can I buy this year-round? What’s the estimated run time on this bad boy? Wattage? Horse power? Does Solar Bullet come with environmentally friendly lubricant, like a bag of spit? Does Solar Bullet combine the best of Groupon by massaging and titillating me while whitening my teeth, connecting to Wi-Fi and teaching me yoga, all at the same time? Now I’m just asking too much, aren’t I? Do I have to actually use the Solar Bullet in direct sunlight for maximum output? Because my neighbors have already put up a partial privacy fence and I think that would send them all the way over the edge and not in a good way. When it’s time for a recharge, do I just put the Solar Bullet out among the solar powered landscaping lights in my yard? Will the landscaping lights accept the Solar Bullet as one of their own or will Solar Bullet be an outcast? What’s the point of having Solar Bullet if you’re constantly worried about it being bullied by the other solars out in the yard? That would just make me feel sad and not very masturbatory and what’s the point of owning Solar Bullet then? None. Will my landscaping lights be a bad influence by teaching Solar Bullet to soak up the generous resources of our sun like a glutton all day long and then only work for like 3 minutes, 42 seconds? Because Solar Bullet wouldn’t have to worry about the bullies in the yard anymore, I’d beat the shit out of it myself. And finally, have you been visited by the EPA recently? Exactly how many batteries are you burning through with traditional vibrators that you feel the need to search for SOLAR POWERED VIBRATORS to reduce your environmental footprint? You sick fuck.
Then I read the fine print:
Well, hell’s bells. Now I have more questions. Who RETURNS a vibrator, in person or by mail? Seriously, I want to know. Am I getting a “reconditioned” Solar Bullet? Do I need to give it a spin in the dishwasher to sanitize it before use? Should I put an itty bitty condom on it, just in case? Why is there a limit of 3 per person? Who is ordering more than 3 of these things? Hugh Hefner? Also, you can contact Groupon customer service with any questions you may have about Solar Bullet. I would pay good money to be privy to that Q&A session.
As I was laughing at this whole hilarious ad while ordering a case of batteries for the vibrators I already own (hey, I’m good at multitasking), I read the part which claims Solar Bullet will produce “60 Minutes of Use”. It wasn’t so funny then, so in the spirit of full disclosure:
That’s right. I ordered it. Instead of planting a tree for Earth Day, I ordered the Solar Bullet and its supposed 60 minutes of solar power. I think it’s a win/win all the around. Mother Earth thanks me for my sacrifice.
I will let y’all know how it goes when Solar Bullet arrives. In the meantime, I’m showing my landscaping lights pictures of Solar Bullet everyday to promote familiarization and foster acceptance. I’m also telling them jokes to loosen them up, like this one: A solar panel walks up to a windmill and says “Your life is nothing but one long blow job”.
Bada-bing! I’ll be here all week, folks, waiting by my mailbox, of course. Thanks for stopping by.
You had me at 60 minutes. And since I started faithfully taking my Vitamin B12, I’m ordering 2.
I will let you know if Solar Bullet “completes me” and makes me burst into romantic Springsteen ballads. B12, you say? I have a whole bottle of that shit, sitting in my cabinet doing absolutely nothing.
B12? Have I missed something? Shit, I’m going right now and buying a case.