Apparently, I’m on Groupon’s shit list. I still haven’t seen my Solar Bullet. Groupon sent me this email:
I have some issues with this email but y’all probably knew that, right? We’ll do this hardcore, take no prisoners bullet style.
• First of all, yeah, it’s been a while, Groupon. It’s been almost a month since I placed the order. What the hell? What if this was some sort of solar powered vibrator emergency? I mean, I don’t recall the shipping options you offered me at checkout but I’m pretty sure “Oh fuck it, I’ll just use my hand” wasn’t one of them.
• Do you even know how many batteries I’ve consumed in the last month waiting for Solar Bullet to arrive at my doorstep? That grisly alkaline trail is on your hands, Groupon!
• “We don’t want you to feel left in the dark”. Now they’re just fucking with me. Do they target their email language specifically to the item you ordered and then laugh and laugh and laugh at the irony? If so, well done, Groupon. I AM in the dark. Naked and alone, waiting for you to ship my damned solar powered vibrator Well played.
• “We understand that this news may change your plans”. Well, yeah, Groupon. Now I have to physically go into the local solar powered vibrator store. This entails going through a secret door at Starbucks (which will only open after I order a free range vegan green tea frappucino), which leads to a side door of a Democratic party office, which leads to the backdoor of an Apple store and then finally ends in the basement of an organic beard oil boutique. I was hoping to avoid this sort of seedy hipster shit.
• “If we don’t hear from you, we’ll assume you don’t want the item”. Oh, bring it, Groupon, but you’d better bring your A game. You don’t even know who you’re messing with. I can easily wait on this for the rest of the year. This will be the longest and most intense game of retail chicken you’ve ever played in your life. Except I’m naked and very sexually frustrated.
• And finally, what if this had been a Mother’s Day present? You heartless corporate bastards.
I will be getting my Rob Zombie concert review up tomorrow, hopefully. E has been out of town this week and I’m operating on very little sleep. It just took me around 8 attempts to spell “tomorrow” correctly. I’m not joking. Also, wine may be involved.
Y’all have a great week! Thanks for stopping by.