I’m in a super duper elite secret Facebook group.  This group consists of some of the most wonderful girls I know, a few of whom I’ve never even met.  It’s a friend of a friend thing, add a sister if you think she needs a place to vent.  We go there to bitch about shit we can’t post on our timelines.  We rant about things we can’t say to loved ones but NEED to say to somebody, anybody before we lose our shit and explode in an elevator with our sister’s husband.   Because Lord only knows if we blow, Jay Z ain’t leaving that fucking elevator without a high heel through the eye socket like in Single White Female.  We’ll finish the job Solange didn’t have the maracas to finish.

We also value our Baptist friends so that’s why we post the stuff we don’t want our Grandmas to see in the Secret Group and not on our timelines.  My friend “Unicorn Gurl” (you know who you are) posted this last week.  You can send thank you notes to my inbox and I’ll pass them along to her.

I think Hallmark needs to print these out on little laminated cards, just like you find at the cash register, which lists proper gift etiquette for wedding anniversaries and the like.  This is invaluable information right here, people. Never again will you have to walk away from a verbal skirmish thinking “Damn it, I wish I would have thought to call her a dicknose sphincter hound”!

I generously pass along this information to you with all the love I have in my heart.  You’re welcome.  And will  one of you white trash taint biscuits please share this with Solange?