All I Wanted Was A Pepsi

I learned a few things about Swype this past weekend.  First, Swype thinks I’m not having enough sex. Second, Swype is very confused about Walmart’s inventory and really wanted me to buy in bulk at Sam’s anyway.  Lastly, Swype is a mother fucking racist.

I keep an ongoing shopping list on my phone.  I add to it whenever I think of something we need so when I haul my ass to the trenches known as Walmart, I’ll be prepared and not just wander around the store for two hours, throwing random shit into my buggy (which I do anyway, with or without the list).

I had an extra hour last Friday night before my son’s baseball game so I ran into Walmart to grab whatever was on the list that I could literally not live without for another 12 hours.  Imagine my surprise when I saw what the last item was.

Please don't tell Jesse Jackson.  This is just what was on the list, damn it!

Please don’t tell Jesse Jackson.

Unfortunately, Walmart was all out of white dicks for sale or dicks of any color, for that matter.  On the upside, the manager at Walmart assured me they would have my bulk order of white dicks in stock by the time I complete my court ordered round of Dick Sensitivity Training.

In the spirit of full disclosure, this is a screenshot of my real list.  Additionally, because there’s always THAT ONE, I did not ask a Walmart manager if he had white dicks, or any color of dicks, in stock.  I also feel the need to state that I am not a racist.  If Walmart sold dicks, I wouldn’t give a shit what color they were.  I currently have a purple dick in my possession and it’s my favorite one.

In the end, I walked out of Walmart without court ordered sensitivity training but with a nice haul of white socks.  Socks, people.  Dicks was supposed to be socks.  Or socks was supposed to be dicks.  Sigh.  Isn’t that the way it always goes?


  1. Dr Frued was my great-great grandfather, and I’m pretty sure he’d say that’s you subconscious talking.

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