Later today, my family and I will make our once a year sacred journey to Crazy Bill’s Fireworks. I don’t think it’s very safe to house that many things that go boom in a giant metal trailer under the hot Alabama sun but Crazy Bill does. I usually sit in the car and people watch while E and the kids head inside to pick out the personal explosives which will best sum up our pride in America on this day. Because what says freedom like the ability to choose to burn your taint off in one horrifyingly painful and very funny (for others) YouTube video if you damned well want to? Nothing.
I’ve noticed an escalation in the quest to be the craziest firework vendor this year. Crazy Bill has dominated the “why would you buy personal freedom explosives from a sane guy who doesn’t house his goods in a sardine can” market ever since we’ve lived here.
Everything changed, however, when a few weeks ago, Insane McCain rode his fiery freedom rocket onto the local fireworks scene and started proclaiming HE is the craziest motherfucker in town to buy your personal explosives from. I’m not sure how insane he really is but I admire his ability to rhyme. It’s catchy and makes me lean Team Insane McCain this year.
As for next year, I think the local fireworks vendors are going to have to step up their crazy game. Hopefully, we’ll see Criminally Insane Chris, Deranged Dan, Maniac Mike, Lunatic Larry and (my personal favorite) Batshit Barry.
Whatever level of crazy you choose to patronize today, y’all be careful. Guard those taints. You only have one and I will not be your taint donor because I also only have one taint. You’re on your own.
Happy 4th of July! It’s also my Mom’s Birthday so everyone type “Hey, Happy Birthday, Steph’s Mom” in the comments. If you don’t, you’re a heartless bastard. Or possibly in the hospital burn unit minus your taint. It could go either way.
Hey, Happy Birthday, Steph’s Mom
I’m glad to see you are not a heartless bastard and still have your taint, John. Good call. And thank you!
Happy Birthday Steph’s mom, thanks for making her crazy.
Damn it, I thought I had a new reader named “Did”! I will take you any day, Sid. Besides, I’ve heard Did is a real douche bag .
Happy Birthday Steph’s Mom!!
Steph, loved, loved the pictures that came to mind when you were describing buying those personal patriotic explosives! Brought me to tears I was laughing so hard!!!
Thank you, Cody! I made E read this in front of me at dinner last night and I must say it was very gratifying. I’m thinking I may require all my readers to submit videos of themselves reading my posts from now on. 😉
Happy Birthday Steph’s Mom … I’m happy to report my taint’s in tact … Whatever that means?! 😁❤️
I have already copyrighted “Deranged Dan”, he will have to come up with something else. I suggest…
My deepest apologies, sir, for infringing on your copyright. I shall go with Da’Fuq Dan in the future. Also, I probably wouldn’t have forgotten about you if you’d show up in here more often instead of running around being… Deranged. I mean, I’m not pointing taints or anything. Just saying.
The S and the D are right next to each other on the keyboard, therefore I am often Did or Sis.
Sign Did up to follow me!
Reblogged this on Steph On The Rocks and commented:
My 4th of July post from last year. What? Don’t look at me like that, damn it. I’m recycling.