Tits And Bits

I have an ongoing list on my phone.  Whenever I have an idea for my blog (I DO have an idea occasionally, you bastards) I add it to the list.  After more than a year of writing this blog, I have a lot of ideas and reminders on this list.  Most are just one liners or something the kids or E said that was funny to me.  These things may or may not be enough material for a full blog post but they’re still worth sharing, in my opinion.  Your mileage may vary.  Tits and Bits will be the somewhat regular place I will dump share these things.

You might be asking “Steph, I see no tits nor bits here.  What’s up with that?”  Well, pervert, it’s just a Steph-ism born out of desperation.  My daughter takes the world’s longest showers.  Trust me on this.  I’m convinced she is solving the world’s hunger issues under a hot stream of water every single day.  I gave birth to a future Nobel Peace Prize winner here, y’all.  But one day sometime last year, we were in a super big hurry so to get my frantic message across to her, I yelled “We gotta go!  Tits and bits, just wash the tits and bits and call it good!”

So, no.  There will be no actual pictures of tits and bits but you could always hope I slip up and add one on accident, right?  Or not.  You didn’t have to yell “NO!” like that.  Hurtful.

Without further bullshitting, I hope you enjoy (fine, live through) the first ever Tits and Bits.  We’ll do this old school bullet style for all those OCD people out there.  You know who you are.

  • Landon was recapping my driving adventures one day on the phone with his grandparents.  He summed it up by saying “Mom scared the living daily crap out of me!”  That’s the only reason I became a mother – to scare the living daily crap out of my kids.  Job well done, self.
  • My good friend Fantasia is in the middle of construction on her new house.  I was in Texas a few months ago and we   were driving by the house to see the progress.  Fantasia was surprised to see the frame up and excitedly exclaimed “I have wood!”  Please leave your one liner responses in the comments.
  • E (returning home from a business trip):  “Why is there a bullet on my bedside table?”  Me:  “Do you really want to know?”  E (sighing):  “No.”
  • Gracie and I were watching an elaborate “Will you go to prom with me?” video last month.  I told her how ridiculous I thought it was that a simple prom invite is staged like a marriage proposal these days.  She asked how things were done in my day. “I was lucky to get a note written in red crayon with a check box for Yes or No,” I replied.  She said, “No, not in grade school.  How did you get asked out for your Senior prom?”  I said, “That WAS for my Senior prom!”
  • I was paying for parking at the airport exit and the attendant complimented my eyeshadow.  I told her, “It’s Stila Kitten.”  She looked at me like I was a nut job (shut up) and said, “STEAL A KITTEN?”  After I stopped laughing, I explained, “No, it’s the cult classic BY Stila in the color Kitten.”  I’d love to see her march into Ulta and ask to see the Steal A Kitten eyeshadow, though.
  • It is officially summer for my household!  I play this song for Gracie at the end of every school year. Loudly.  It’s sweet traditions like this, y’all, that they’ll remember.

  • And finally:

monday

I hope you enjoyed the very first edition of Tits and Bits.  It is 12:56 p.m. here and I’m going back for my second cup of coffee.  Don’t look at me that way.  It’s the first day of summer vacation, y’all!

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4 comments

      1. I’m pretty sure you became a lesbian yesterday, when you asked me to get naked with you.

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