Morning Lessons From The Bar

I had to be up early (for me) this morning to meet my brother and his peeps at his bar.  I’m blogging right now, live from the bar.  We’re decorating for the one year anniversary party tonight.  Fantasia and Sylvia have embarked on the 2 hour journey to my hometown to once again celebrate with me and the drag queens.  I’ll do a full recap on what I remember about tonight next week.  Don’t look at me that way.  I’ll do it.  I promise.

I arrived at my brother’s bar at 10 a.m., which is the earliest I’ve ever been in a bar, believe it or not.  The morning has already been full of lessons.  Such as:

1.  Bring donuts (I did).  Lots of donuts.

2.  Don’t speak to the drag queens this early in the morning.  Under any circumstance.  Don’t.fucking.do.it.

3.  Do not absent mindedly smooth out a tablecloth they lovingly put on a table 5 minutes before your chunky ass rolled up to it.  Don’t.fucking.do.it.

4.  Do not try to help them twist the crepe paper being used liberally into glorious spirals.  You know nothing about them and their glorious spirals.  NOTHING!  Sit your ass down, bitch.

5.  Do not enter the girl’s bathroom first thing in the morning after a busy Friday night show which featured three dudes wearing nothing but Calvin Klein underwear, shoes, and liberal amounts of baby oil.  Do.not.fucking.do.it.  And for God’s sake, if you must, don’t eat your chocolate donut first.

6.  Glitter can be sprayed on anything and instantly made prettier.  Anything.  Yes, even that.

7.  If you aren’t wearing sunglasses inside a dark bar at 11 in the morning, you obviously didn’t have a fun Friday night.  Loser.

8.  Shania Twain is still very relevant,
according to the music selection I’m hearing right this second.

There are other lessons but I’m being called to tie balloons.  And I do not want to piss drag queens with hangovers off.  Don’t.fucking.do.it.

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