Accolades and Recognition

Clear History

I need a softball and y’all are throwing me one tonight whether you like it or not.

E has been traveling more than lice in a preschool classroom, I just found my Halloween costume and already need intense therapy for the serious shit I have to do to fit into it in 11 weeks, and the kids start school tomorrow.  Our summer is gone.

Tonight over dinner, I realized that this is the last year I will take a first day of school picture of both my kids.  Landon is a Senior.  This hit me pretty hard tonight.  It came out of left field, this feeling of losing control of time, not that I ever had it.  I’m nearing panic attack mode now, just thinking of my son out in the world.  Not because he’s deficient but because other people can be.

So that’s where your softball comes in.  I meant to write about my Texas night out with Sylvia and Fantasia but I’m not up to it tonight.  I don’t want to short that epic tale so tonight I will write about something fun and light and quick like Google searches.

Put away your huge bottle of lotion and watch these videos.  They’re short and hilarious but very NSFW (not safe for work, people).

Everyone up to speed?  Good.  Someone give that Google Guy a nerve pill and a bottle of Jack Daniel’s Old No. 7.  Also, someone please taze the living shit out of Siri.  I swear, that bitch.

I was reviewing my recent viewing stats for my blog (the one you’re reading right now.  I know, I’m shocked, too.) and WordPress actually tracks the search engine terms people have used, only to be directed to my blog.  I should a start a charity for those poor, helpless bastards.  Of course, not all search engines allow that data to be shared but these are the searched terms that were shared with me in my stats.

  • cozumel shore excursion tequila jeep
  • naked zipline
  • jeep tequila cozumel
  • you made me cry and now you expect me to wipe your tears? sorry karma is a bitch and you chose a classy one
  • http://www.kmart.com/10-piece-harlowe-comforter-set
  • steph something about nothing blog
  • cozumel chocolate and tequila sampling
  • is crazy bills and insane mccain the same person
  • was there a real person named alfred dunner
  • a mysterious, classy hot momma meme
  • baba ftball
  • hamburglar swimming
  • obi wan kenobi our only hope shirt
  • namaste my ass right here
  • hairy female legs
  • a good cock is hard to find
  • date night in the rocks
  • dime bag darel rehab
  • cozumel jeep wrangler rental
  • zip line scared face
  • picture unicorn i make pretty shit all day
  • bandwagoners paragraph
  • jeeps and tequila
  • i would fight for you
  • i’m a classy lady
  • where island jeep tour cozumel goes tequila tasting?
  • five foot rules
  • buying bras

My blog isn’t making the Google Guy furious yet but I bet he’s at least slightly offended.  We all have to start somewhere.  Life goals.  I have them.

Thanks for helping me feel better.  You’re awesome with those softballs.  Now go Google “Hamburglar Pics” in the Deep Web.  I know we can get it to trend.  Safe search off, y’all.  Don’t forget to clear that history.  #Hamburglarpics

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Full Of Win! My 2013 NFL Pick ‘Em Pool Winner Acceptance Speech

Blogger’s note:  I promise, this is the last football post for a while.

I participate in a NFL Pick ‘Em Pool every year.  My friend Gary started it a few years ago.  It’s easy, doesn’t take a lot of my time like Fantasy Football and it’s fun.  The smack talk is always fun and lighthearted so that’s one of the reasons I keep going back.  It’s also because I kick ass at picking the winners of NFL football games, at least last year.

I won last year’s pool yet the fact that I still haven’t received my $1,000,000 as is promised in the actual pool description, “Million Dollar Pick ‘Em Pool”, really pisses me off and is quite disheartening.  Also, participation in the pool has doubled from last year’s number of losers so the jibber jabber has escalated.  I feel the need to remind them all (and inform the newbies) of exactly who they’re dealing with.

The following is my Winner’s Acceptance Speech from last year.  Be sure to click on the helpful link to the pool that I offered everyone right before the AC/DC video for “Thunderstruck”.

Did y’all feel that? Like a mini earthquake? But more awesome and way hotter? That was me. Stomping on your Million Dollar Pick ‘Em Pool hopes and dreams.

For 21 long weeks, we entered our best guesses as to who would come out on top each week in the NFL. Methods were varied and dubious at times.  I still am not ruling out voodoo and the almost surely illegal use (except in Louisiana) of virgin’s blood but that’s the past.  I choose not to live in the past.  I like it right here in the present.

The present that makes me…. (wait for it)… THIS YEAR’S UNDISPUTED WINNER OF THE MILLION DOLLAR PICK ‘EM POOL!

I am also the first female to ever win the pool in its illustrious and sordid 3 year history.  I am the Susan B. Anthony of the Million Dollar Pick ‘Em Pool.  I am the Neil Armstrong of the Million Dollar Pick ‘Em Pool.  I am Elvis Presley’s hips on the Ed Sullivan Show.  You can choose to pan the camera up and ignore them but they’re still shaking, baby.  They still there. They ain’t going nowhere. BAM!

The Buzz Aldrin to my Neil Armstrong, the Yoko Ono to my John Lennon, the Robin to my Batman is none other than ACUWildcats, coming in with a paltry 66.92% pick rate.  It makes me sick to type that number.  It is beneath me.  Me, with my mighty and never-again-to-be-reached amazing 67.17% pick rate.  That’s right.  A .25% difference, according to my calculator.  But here’s the cold hard facts, children.  Calculators LIE!  I kicked ACUWildcat’s butt.  He’s sitting on a medical donut cushion tonight and seeking victim’s assistance from trained professionals in the Denver area.

I spoke to our esteemed pool founder today and he assures me that the moment the $9.99 Super Bowl Spread check has cleared the bank, he will Fed Ex the million dollar grand prize for this pool to me. Of course, there will be pictures, much like the Publisher’s Clearing House thing. And balloons. And cake. Lots and lots of cake and nudity in the cake. I’ve already planned and put deposits down on five elaborate vacations which will shame and totally demoralize Kanye West and leave him wondering if life is even worth it anymore. In answer, no. It’s not, playa. Give me the damned mic and leave the stage, Kanye.

In all seriousness, I hope you all have a great off season. Don’t forget to save the pool link so you can jump back into the yellow and warm waters of the MDPEP next fall. Here’s the link, be sure to bookmark it. You’re welcome.

http://tinyurl.com/2bv3bd9

 

 

I hope you all are having a great start to football season, whether you follow college or professional ball.  Also, Gary, I’ll text you my mailing address so you can finally mail that million bucks to me.

 

I’d Rather Be Blog Blocked Than Cock Blocked

My sweet and very funny friend Laurie tried to access my blog today so she could share it with the world.  She just happened to be at work.  This is what popped up on her computer screen.

Blog blocked in two languages!

Blog blocked in two languages!

After only 18 blog posts, I’ve been Blog Blocked!  A big time major Texas company has not only deemed my blog “non-professional” but has also classified it as “porn”.  I thought it would take at least a year to reach this status.  I’m torn.  I mean, part of me is like “Fucking A!” but on the other hand, it’s a sad day in America when a blogger can’t mention the words  “bad”, “monkey” and “penis” in a single innocent travel review and not get blog blocked by a Texas business giant.

I’m not sure what other goals I can shoot for at this point.  Maybe I should start posting actual porn?  Make my own sex tape?  Get myself on a Neighborhood Pervert Locator Map?

If you have any suggestions as to how I can get Blog Blocked by every Fortune 500 company in America, please let me know in the comments.  This ain’t over, people.