Batman

Sweet Tea Is For Pussies Anyway.

I took beer (4 bottles to be exact) into a Baptist church today.

Now, before y’all go cashing in those bets you made about 5 years ago in the “What Year Will Steph Actually Say ‘Fuck It’ And Take Alcohol Into A House Of God” pool, just hold on and let me explain.

It’s been seriously crazy.  Some of you may recall that I started working towards my teaching degree in March.  I’m on my third class, Survey Of U.S. Constitution & Government now.  Yes, I passed my first two classes.  Hold your applause.  Jesus says I don’t deserve any accolades right now.

Good friends of ours are coming all the way to Alabama from Florida this week to see my son graduate from high school.  They informed us they would like to come to this event in January.  I’ve had five fucking months to prepare for this joyous occasion but as usual, I have sat around with my thumb up my ass for almost half a year, doing the one thing I always achieve absolute perfection in:  procrastination.

I have waited until the last 72 hours before my friend’s arrival to purchase a new sectional sofa, boost our obsolete central air conditioning unit which was installed the year I graduated from high school (I shit you not), clean like the damned Pope is coming over, order graduation party supplies (I would thank the dear Lord for Amazon Prime Shipping but he’s still giving me the evil side eye over bringing booze into his condo earlier today), this list could actually go on and on.  E accepted a new job with his existing employer, with much more responsibility, and he’s been working later hours.  All of this is snowballing – in a really great way but it’s crazy nonetheless.

My son is graduating from high school this week.  I know I’ve already written this but my mind still hasn’t completely wrapped around the fact.  I’m waiting for my mind to get its ass in gear and just let me get the meltdown out of the way.  I’d honestly rather just show you good people a picture of my ample ass than cry.  I rarely cry because:

  1.  I usually choose to not be sad.  At the beginning of both of my children’s lives, I cried enough for a lifetime, as they had numerous tubes running from their bodies for the first few months of their lives, keeping them alive in most instances.  I’m still really tired of crying from those horrible times so I choose not to now.
  2. I hate feeling like a little bitch.  I’m not saying you are a little bitch if you cry, it’s just how I feel when I cry.  I can hug it out with you if you choose to be a little bitch in my presence. It makes me a little uncomfortable and I’d rather hand you hard liquor but I usually pull my shit together enough to be a good friend.  I won’t even mention the fact that you left snot on my shoulder.
  3. Crying ruins my makeup.  I spend too much time and money on that shit to have it running down my face.

Right now, I feel like a dam that’s about to burst.  I don’t know when or where the levy will break but if you’re going to be with me in the next week, this is your heads up.  I promise not to leave too much snot on your shoulder if you promise not to judge the fact that I’m carrying my extra large flask in my purse for the next week.  I’m just a bit overwhelmed with all that’s going on in my life right now.

Which brings us back to discussing the circumstances which led me to smuggling hooch into the Lord’s house.

A good friend of mine was really stressed this week over throwing her daughter a graduation party that was held today.  She beautifully plans every event she throws and works really hard preparing and executing tablescapes you normally envy on Pinterest.  She was texting me earlier today before the party, worried over some issues.

This friend is a lovely Christian lady who rarely drinks and certainly doesn’t keep alcohol on hand at her home that I’m aware of.  She and I are the female equivalent to Oscar and Felix from The Odd Couple.  I had to help this dear friend last month when she kept trying to order a Coors Light at a place that only sells a local brewery’s beers.  Finally, in exasperation, she came to the table empty handed.  I went back to the counter with her, gave her a quick tutorial on all the different brews (which most certainly did not include Coors Light).

Anyway, at the end of her text message, she added a really cute little beer emoji.  This is where I feel she at least needs to take some of the blame, okay?

Sending any kind of alcohol emoji to me when you’re in distress is like the Gotham City Police Department flashing the fucking Bat-Signal in the sky.  It’s like Timmy yelling at Lassie to go get help – except I don’t come back with a long rope in my mouth or wielding a bat shaped boomerang.  I come back with alcohol.  It’s what I KNOW, people.

Right before the kids and I walked out the door to go to the party, I packed up 4 of my beers with ice packs in my little collapsible cooler to take to my friend so she could unwind at home after the party.  As I was packing them, I even thought, “I wonder if it’s against the rules of the civic center to have alcohol on premise even if you’re not drinking it there?”  Because I’m not normally a rule breaker, y’all, believe it or not.  Jesus just raised his perfectly shaped eyebrows at that statement.

What is slightly alarming is I’ve been to this church two other times but only in the fellowship wings, where they hold parties and such.  That’s why my brain thought “civic center” instead of “House of the Lord God Almighty”.  That’s my defense and I’m sticking to it.  When I got to the “civic center” I placed the cooler under the gift table and forgot about it.

As I was  inhaling enjoying my generous sized and delicious piece of party cake, E (who had rode over on his motorcycle earlier) laughed and asked in jest if I’d actually went through with bringing my friend the beer.  It went like this:

E:  Did you bring Melissa (fictional name) some beer?

Me:  Yeah.

E:  You’ll give it to her later?

Me:  No, it’s right over there under the gift table.

E (looked over at the red cooler under the gift table while denial, then incredulity, then fear, and finally acceptance flitted across his face):  You brought BEER into a CHURCH??!!

Me (actually putting my fork down):  Holy crap (no, I didn’t curse because Gracie was sitting beside me and I also figured I was already on Jesus’ shit list by that time).

E and Gracie laughed uncomfortably while slowly moving away from me so as not to get electrocuted when the inevitable lightning from Heaven shot through my ass.

I sent my friend this text after the party.

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My friend has not responded to the text message so I can only hope she has forgiven me and that she enjoyed the beer I gave her in good faith in response to her distress text.

Also, I’m sorry, Jesus, for bringing alcohol into your house.  I’ll try to never do it again, but honestly, you and I both know that I can’t make any promises.

Lastly, can one of y’all remind me on Thursday to take my extra large flask out of my purse before I attend my son’s commencement ceremony?  Jesus also resides at the place it’s being held and I’m pretty sure I’m on a List now.  Fine, I was already on a List but today I moved way up in the rankings.

Cheers, y’all.

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Full Of Win! My 2013 NFL Pick ‘Em Pool Winner Acceptance Speech

Blogger’s note:  I promise, this is the last football post for a while.

I participate in a NFL Pick ‘Em Pool every year.  My friend Gary started it a few years ago.  It’s easy, doesn’t take a lot of my time like Fantasy Football and it’s fun.  The smack talk is always fun and lighthearted so that’s one of the reasons I keep going back.  It’s also because I kick ass at picking the winners of NFL football games, at least last year.

I won last year’s pool yet the fact that I still haven’t received my $1,000,000 as is promised in the actual pool description, “Million Dollar Pick ‘Em Pool”, really pisses me off and is quite disheartening.  Also, participation in the pool has doubled from last year’s number of losers so the jibber jabber has escalated.  I feel the need to remind them all (and inform the newbies) of exactly who they’re dealing with.

The following is my Winner’s Acceptance Speech from last year.  Be sure to click on the helpful link to the pool that I offered everyone right before the AC/DC video for “Thunderstruck”.

Did y’all feel that? Like a mini earthquake? But more awesome and way hotter? That was me. Stomping on your Million Dollar Pick ‘Em Pool hopes and dreams.

For 21 long weeks, we entered our best guesses as to who would come out on top each week in the NFL. Methods were varied and dubious at times.  I still am not ruling out voodoo and the almost surely illegal use (except in Louisiana) of virgin’s blood but that’s the past.  I choose not to live in the past.  I like it right here in the present.

The present that makes me…. (wait for it)… THIS YEAR’S UNDISPUTED WINNER OF THE MILLION DOLLAR PICK ‘EM POOL!

I am also the first female to ever win the pool in its illustrious and sordid 3 year history.  I am the Susan B. Anthony of the Million Dollar Pick ‘Em Pool.  I am the Neil Armstrong of the Million Dollar Pick ‘Em Pool.  I am Elvis Presley’s hips on the Ed Sullivan Show.  You can choose to pan the camera up and ignore them but they’re still shaking, baby.  They still there. They ain’t going nowhere. BAM!

The Buzz Aldrin to my Neil Armstrong, the Yoko Ono to my John Lennon, the Robin to my Batman is none other than ACUWildcats, coming in with a paltry 66.92% pick rate.  It makes me sick to type that number.  It is beneath me.  Me, with my mighty and never-again-to-be-reached amazing 67.17% pick rate.  That’s right.  A .25% difference, according to my calculator.  But here’s the cold hard facts, children.  Calculators LIE!  I kicked ACUWildcat’s butt.  He’s sitting on a medical donut cushion tonight and seeking victim’s assistance from trained professionals in the Denver area.

I spoke to our esteemed pool founder today and he assures me that the moment the $9.99 Super Bowl Spread check has cleared the bank, he will Fed Ex the million dollar grand prize for this pool to me. Of course, there will be pictures, much like the Publisher’s Clearing House thing. And balloons. And cake. Lots and lots of cake and nudity in the cake. I’ve already planned and put deposits down on five elaborate vacations which will shame and totally demoralize Kanye West and leave him wondering if life is even worth it anymore. In answer, no. It’s not, playa. Give me the damned mic and leave the stage, Kanye.

In all seriousness, I hope you all have a great off season. Don’t forget to save the pool link so you can jump back into the yellow and warm waters of the MDPEP next fall. Here’s the link, be sure to bookmark it. You’re welcome.

http://tinyurl.com/2bv3bd9

 

 

I hope you all are having a great start to football season, whether you follow college or professional ball.  Also, Gary, I’ll text you my mailing address so you can finally mail that million bucks to me.