I was googling a Harry Potter question for Landon tonight (Why couldn’t Hagrid legally perform magic?) and I got these nuggets.

Either Google needs to start doing breathalizers or I’m the smartest person alive.

Okay, maybe I don’t know everything.  Who the hell is Hassan and how shitty of a teacher did he have?

Voldemort couldn’t kill Harry because of love, dimwits.

The lush of a pirate drank all the damned rum.  That’s why.  And if it’s not Jack Sparrow playing Naked Uno, who cares?

This is the second time today the subject of blindness has come up in a blog post of mine.  Mr. Magoo is pissed but luckily he’ll never find me.

Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive?  Let that sink in, y’all.

I sincerely wish, from the depth of my being, that Helen Keller was still alive and could drive like a motherfucker to the house of every single dumbass who asked this question so she could beat them to death with her blind stick.

I have too much rage right now to answer the bike question but I do wonder what the hell all these people did with their kickstands.

Two posts in one day.  I’m beat.  Goodnight, y’all.

Blogger’s note:  I realize most of the questions on the Google list are actually jokes.  Please don’t email me or I will drive like a motherfucker to your house and beat you to death with the kickstand I took off my bike.