Later today, my family and I will make our once a year sacred journey to Crazy Bill’s Fireworks. I don’t think it’s very safe to house that many things that go boom in a giant metal trailer under the hot Alabama sun but Crazy Bill does. I usually sit in the car and people watch while E and the kids head inside to pick out the personal explosives which will best sum up our pride in America on this day. Because what says freedom like the ability to choose to burn your taint off in one horrifyingly painful and very funny (for others) YouTube video if you damned well want to? Nothing.
I’ve noticed an escalation in the quest to be the craziest firework vendor this year. Crazy Bill has dominated the “why would you buy personal freedom explosives from a sane guy who doesn’t house his goods in a sardine can” market ever since we’ve lived here.
Everything changed, however, when a few weeks ago, Insane McCain rode his fiery freedom rocket onto the local fireworks scene and started proclaiming HE is the craziest motherfucker in town to buy your personal explosives from. I’m not sure how insane he really is but I admire his ability to rhyme. It’s catchy and makes me lean Team Insane McCain this year.
As for next year, I think the local fireworks vendors are going to have to step up their crazy game. Hopefully, we’ll see Criminally Insane Chris, Deranged Dan, Maniac Mike, Lunatic Larry and (my personal favorite) Batshit Barry.
Whatever level of crazy you choose to patronize today, y’all be careful. Guard those taints. You only have one and I will not be your taint donor because I also only have one taint. You’re on your own.
Happy 4th of July! It’s also my Mom’s Birthday so everyone type “Hey, Happy Birthday, Steph’s Mom” in the comments. If you don’t, you’re a heartless bastard. Or possibly in the hospital burn unit minus your taint. It could go either way.