Sex Tape

Dude Looks Like A Lady.

It’s been an amazing week in Texas.  I feel like it has flown by and, as usual, I didn’t have near enough time to see all the people I wanted to see or do all the things I wanted to do.

It’s been a special trip because my brother fulfilled his lifelong (or close to) dream of opening his own bar.  It’s a gay bar.  And I’m very proud of him.

When my brother called me and told me his grand opening would be on August 2nd, I knew I had to rearrange my travel dates and it also meant I would miss my regular stop in Arlington to see my girlfriends, the ones I take a somewhat traditional girl’s trip with.  I suggested they come to my hometown to see me this year and also to see a show of a lifetime.

Anyway, I thought I’d post a few of the texts/messages going back and forth since all this started.  This is actually pretty tame for us but I hope you get a laugh.

Two weeks ago:

Me:  So here’s what I’m proposing.  Y’all put your three super fine asses in one vehicle and come to XYZ Town on August 2nd to do this with me.  Professional Queens and a reserved table at my brother’s gay bar.  It cannot, I repeat, cannot get more epic than this.  Btw, it’s a two hour drive.  Let Fantasia drive and you’ll be there in one hour, tops.

Fantasia:  I am so in!  I may have to find a kick ass outfit.  What do you wear to a gay bar grand opening?  Is it wrong I’m so freaking excited about this?!?!

Beth:  I will have to see how things go with Darrell.

Lucinda:  I think this will be a blast.  I will see what I can do.  Ferris gets home on the 1st.  I will say “yes” for now and see what I can do.

Fantasia:  Now I feel bad.  I didn’t even think about asking Tony.

Me:  Bring lots of dollar bills.  I’m so fucking excited!

Fantasia:  I already started making my $1 bills (I assumed she meant saving them since I don’t think she’s a professional counterfeiter and felon.  TO MY KNOWLEDGE).

Several days later:

Me:  Fantasia and Lucinda have confirmed!  We have a reserved table and at least one lesbian who has vowed to protect us.  From what, I don’t know but I’m sure we’ll have a ball finding out.

Fantasia:  Only one lesbian???  Apparently, our reputation is quite lacking in XYZ Town.

Me:  Well, so far.  Give me more time to woo more lesbians.  I’ve only been in town one night.

Last night:

Me (after some debate over staying at my parent’s house or getting a hotel room):  I already got a hotel room.  It’s on me since y’all are coming down here to hang out with my ass.  E said he expects a sex tape out of it, though.

Lucinda:  Well, that is the least we could do.


Fantasia:  So what do you wear to a gay bar?  I’m walking into Home Depot.  I thought about finding a skirt to wear.

Fantasia (one minute later):  Not at Home Depot just to be clear.

Me:  Just wear a tool belt.  Bam.  Most wanted woman in the room.

Fantasia:  Who will be the cop and the Indian?

***Something so inappropriate, I won’t even post it on my blog***

Me:  You could get plywood and make a box skirt to protect your innocence.

Beth:  An actual “box” skirt.  I like that idea.  Pick up a lock for your cooter.

Me:  I knew you would like that.  I’d also vacuum seal all your shit up.  Wrap it up tight like a steak.

Fantasia:  The people in Home Depot just stared in awe when I tried to explain the box skirt and asked what aisle it would be on.

Hopefully, I’ll be able to post some kick ass pictures next week of the grand opening.  I hope y’all have an awesome weekend! Summer wrap up in the next week or so after kids go back to school and I can recover from this summer.

I’d Rather Be Blog Blocked Than Cock Blocked

My sweet and very funny friend Laurie tried to access my blog today so she could share it with the world.  She just happened to be at work.  This is what popped up on her computer screen.

Blog blocked in two languages!

Blog blocked in two languages!

After only 18 blog posts, I’ve been Blog Blocked!  A big time major Texas company has not only deemed my blog “non-professional” but has also classified it as “porn”.  I thought it would take at least a year to reach this status.  I’m torn.  I mean, part of me is like “Fucking A!” but on the other hand, it’s a sad day in America when a blogger can’t mention the words  “bad”, “monkey” and “penis” in a single innocent travel review and not get blog blocked by a Texas business giant.

I’m not sure what other goals I can shoot for at this point.  Maybe I should start posting actual porn?  Make my own sex tape?  Get myself on a Neighborhood Pervert Locator Map?

If you have any suggestions as to how I can get Blog Blocked by every Fortune 500 company in America, please let me know in the comments.  This ain’t over, people.