Vibrator

Let David Beckham Know I’m A Free Woman Now

How was my weekend?  My weekend sucked big, hairy man balls.  It was sweet of you to ask, though.

We were supposed to go to the local high school football game on Friday night but at the last minute, Landon developed a headache so I stayed at home with him.  Gracie and E went to the out of town football game, only about 15 minutes away.  This happened.  I’m sorry it’s a bit blurry.  That’s probably due to my tears.

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There will be consequences, you husband stealing, fugly child creating, shit weasel of an English whore!

Seriously, if you know David Beckham’s phone number, hook a jilted sister up.  This whole sordid affair really hurts but I ain’t got time to bleed!  Can you tell I just watched the original Predator tonight?  I did.

I hope y’all had a great weekend with no surprise bastard children from England.  If you did, please, please tell us all about in the comments.

WTF Wednesday: You, Sirs, Are Monsters

Apparently, I’m on Groupon’s shit list.  I still haven’t seen my Solar Bullet.  Groupon sent me this email:

How many ways can they say they didn't mail my shit?

How many ways can they say they didn’t mail my shit?

I have some issues with this email but y’all probably knew that, right?  We’ll do this hardcore, take no prisoners bullet style.

• First of all, yeah, it’s been a while, Groupon.  It’s been almost a month since I placed the order.  What the hell?  What if this was some sort of solar powered vibrator emergency?  I mean, I don’t recall the shipping options you offered me at checkout but I’m pretty sure “Oh fuck it, I’ll just use my hand” wasn’t one of them.

• Do you even know how many batteries I’ve consumed in the last month waiting for Solar Bullet to arrive at my doorstep?  That grisly alkaline trail is on your hands, Groupon!

• “We don’t want you to feel left in the dark”.  Now they’re just fucking with me.  Do they target their email language specifically to the item you ordered and then laugh and laugh and laugh at the irony?  If so, well done, Groupon.  I AM in the dark.  Naked and alone, waiting for you to ship my damned solar powered vibrator   Well played.

• “We understand that this news may change your plans”.  Well, yeah, Groupon.  Now I have to physically go into the local solar powered vibrator store.  This entails going through a secret door at Starbucks (which will only open after I order a free range vegan green tea frappucino), which leads to a side door of a Democratic party office, which leads to the backdoor of an Apple store and then finally ends in the basement of an organic beard oil boutique.  I was hoping to avoid this sort of seedy hipster shit.

• “If we don’t hear from you, we’ll assume you don’t want the item”.  Oh, bring it, Groupon, but you’d better bring your A game.  You don’t even know who you’re messing with.  I can easily wait on this for the rest of the year.  This will be the longest and most intense game of retail chicken you’ve ever played in your life.  Except I’m naked and very sexually frustrated.

• And finally, what if this had been a Mother’s Day present?  You heartless corporate bastards.

I will be getting my Rob Zombie concert review up tomorrow, hopefully.  E has been out of town this week and I’m operating on very little sleep.  It just took me around 8 attempts to spell “tomorrow” correctly.  I’m not joking.  Also, wine may be involved.

Y’all have a great week!  Thanks for stopping by.

WTF Wednesday: Dick-Ton Of Fun

I rarely keep my ass at home for a full day but when I have to, I take the opportunity to get caught up on a lot of shit.  I read my backlog of magazines, I deal with my “You Can’t Possibly Put This Off Any Longer” stack and I also get to look around websites I don’t check out all the time.

Last week, I got to catch up on all the deals the good people at Groupon are currently featuring.  Imagine my surprise when, in between all the massage and teeth whitening packages, refurbished tablets and yoga class deals, I found this:

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As has apparently become my tradition, I’ll just do the run-on paragraph, stream of uncensored thought thing here.

Is the Solar Bullet approved by Al Gore and did he test it on Tipper?  Is this an Earth Day only promotion or can I buy this year-round?  What’s the estimated run time on this bad boy?  Wattage?  Horse power?  Does Solar Bullet  come with environmentally friendly lubricant, like a bag of spit?  Does Solar Bullet combine the best of Groupon by massaging and titillating me while whitening my teeth, connecting to Wi-Fi and teaching me yoga, all at the same time?  Now I’m just asking too much, aren’t I?  Do I have to actually use the Solar Bullet in direct sunlight for maximum output?  Because my neighbors have already put up a partial privacy fence and I think that would send them all the way over the edge and not in a good way.  When it’s time for a recharge, do I just put the Solar Bullet out among the solar powered landscaping lights in my yard?  Will the landscaping lights accept the Solar Bullet as one of their own or will Solar Bullet be an outcast?  What’s the point of having Solar Bullet if you’re constantly worried about it being bullied by the other solars out in the yard?  That would just make me feel sad and not very masturbatory and what’s the point of owning Solar Bullet then?  None.  Will my landscaping lights be a bad influence by teaching Solar Bullet to soak up the generous resources of our sun like a glutton all day long and then only work for like 3 minutes, 42 seconds?  Because Solar Bullet wouldn’t have to worry about the bullies in the yard anymore, I’d beat the shit out of it myself.  And finally, have you been visited by the EPA recently?  Exactly how many batteries are you burning through with traditional vibrators that you feel the need to search for SOLAR POWERED VIBRATORS to reduce your environmental footprint?  You sick fuck.

Then I read the fine print:

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Well, hell’s bells.  Now I have more questions.  Who RETURNS a vibrator, in person or by mail? Seriously, I want to know. Am I getting a “reconditioned” Solar Bullet? Do I need to give it a spin in the dishwasher to sanitize it before use? Should I put an itty bitty condom on it, just in case?  Why is there a limit of 3 per person?  Who is ordering more than 3 of these things?  Hugh Hefner?  Also, you can contact Groupon customer service with any questions you may have about Solar Bullet.  I would pay good money to be privy to that Q&A session.

As I was laughing at this whole hilarious ad while ordering a case of batteries for the vibrators I already own (hey, I’m good at multitasking), I read the part which claims Solar Bullet will produce “60 Minutes of Use”.  It wasn’t so funny then, so in the spirit of full disclosure:

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That’s right.  I ordered it.  Instead of planting a tree for Earth Day, I ordered the Solar Bullet and its supposed 60 minutes of solar power.  I think it’s a win/win all the around.  Mother Earth thanks me for my sacrifice.

I will let y’all know how it goes when Solar Bullet arrives.  In the meantime, I’m showing my landscaping lights pictures of Solar Bullet everyday to promote familiarization and foster acceptance.  I’m also telling them jokes to loosen them up, like this one:  A solar panel walks up to a windmill and says “Your life is nothing but one long blow job”.

Bada-bing!  I’ll be here all week, folks, waiting by my mailbox, of course.  Thanks for stopping by.