Saturday night was so epic, I’ve decided to break it down into two additional blog posts. These are the texts which framed the day and night to come, attending the grand opening of my brother’s new gay bar.
Lucinda: Need an address to load into navigation, please.
Me: 3800 Smith Torah 2, XYZ Town
Me: What the fuck?
Me: 3800 Smith Road.
Me: Torah? The fuck….
Lucinda: I thought I was the Jew in the group and who the fuck is Smith?
Me: I’ve been cheating. I wanted to see how the uncircumcised lived.
Lucinda: You slut.
Me: Be careful! Don’t pick up any hitchhikers. Unless they’re hot. And don’t have chainsaws.
Fantasia: Should we kick out the one we already picked up?
Me: Yeah, if he’s ugly. Or has a chainsaw.
Fantasia: Holy crap! I almost forgot the most important thing… Stephanie, did you ask the hotel if they have an overly large phallic shaped pillow? I can stop on the way if they don’t. I seriously woke up at 4 a.m. needing to know the answer to this question.
Me: I did not ask the hotel for this information. I could smuggle one from Mom’s house although I don’t know how I’d feel about being artificially penetrated by a pillow that’s in the family.
Fantasia: Shit just got real:
Fantasia: Apparently, people don’t realize the importance of my essence. A big rig flipped and blocked the entire highway and we are now on a dirt road. I hear banjos.
Me: I apologize for the ass rapes about to transpire.
Fantasia: It’s only rape if I say no.
Fantasia: Random cemetery on the dirt road:
Me: After the rape, excuse me, love making, they can conveniently bury your bodies there.
Please note that my friends and I do not condone nor endorse any type of rape or offering rides to any hitchhiker, regardless of looks or lack of power tools which can slice your body parts off in one fell swoop. We were joking, people. Pictures from the Saturday night grand opening will be included in the next blog post. You can be pissed off, indignant and severely offended at that time. Save your energy. You’ll need it then.