WTF Wednesday

Screw You, Forrest Gump! And That Geico Pig, Too!

auburn

I know, I know.  I’m way behind.  I am still stuck in post-Halloween hangover.  Costumes are still not completely unpacked and put into storage and I’m already grappling with the fact that I’m one week away from being behind on Christmas.  What the hell happened to November?  I promise to post my Halloween wrap-ups in the next week.

I’m also still recovering from a really tough football weekend.  I won’t lie.  I had a meltdown by the end of the 3rd quarter of the Alabama-LSU game and exiled myself to my bathroom for the duration of the game, firmly believing I was a jinx to the team the longer I watched.  E would run back to give me updates from time to time.  I sat behind a locked door with the exhaust fan turned on so I could block out all football noise, temporarily uninstalled Bleacher Report from my phone so I couldn’t check the score or who had possession, wrote a Facebook rant, may or may not have called my friends “ass hats”, and rocked back and forth with a beer.  I’m not proud of that but there it is.  And we won.  So I may exile myself again this Saturday when we play #1 ranked Mississippi State.

Alabama withstood LSU but Texas A&M beat Auburn, and Notre Dame went down to Arizona State.  Even if you’re not a football fan, you will appreciate the latest round of social media meltdowns from this past weekend’s heart wrenching losses, brought to you by Roll Bama Roll.

Fans who got a double whammy of hatred for the opposing team and self-loathing for their own team became suicidal, turned on the adorable Geico pig, threatened assault on senior citizen coaches and accused leprechauns of sodomy!  I also learned that watching Auburn football can give you the Ebola.  Holy shit.

http://www.rollbamaroll.com/2014/11/11/7191807/nsfw-its-meltdown-time-week-eleven

Who knew other team’s fans called Bama fans “Gumps”, as in Forrest, I guess?  I didn’t.

It’s nice to know I wasn’t alone in my football meltdown.  Roll Damn Tide.  Also, fuck that Geico pig!

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WTF Wednesday: Go Home, World Wide Web. You Are Drunk.

I was googling a Harry Potter question for Landon tonight (Why couldn’t Hagrid legally perform magic?) and I got these nuggets.

Start doing breathalizer tests, Google.

Either Google needs to start doing breathalizers or I’m the smartest person alive.

Okay, maybe I don’t know everything.  Who the hell is Hassan and how shitty of a teacher did he have?

Voldemort couldn’t kill Harry because of love, dimwits.

The lush of a pirate drank all the damned rum.  That’s why.  And if it’s not Jack Sparrow playing Naked Uno, who cares?

This is the second time today the subject of blindness has come up in a blog post of mine.  Mr. Magoo is pissed but luckily he’ll never find me.

Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive?  Let that sink in, y’all.

I sincerely wish, from the depth of my being, that Helen Keller was still alive and could drive like a motherfucker to the house of every single dumbass who asked this question so she could beat them to death with her blind stick.

I have too much rage right now to answer the bike question but I do wonder what the hell all these people did with their kickstands.

Two posts in one day.  I’m beat.  Goodnight, y’all.

Blogger’s note:  I realize most of the questions on the Google list are actually jokes.  Please don’t email me or I will drive like a motherfucker to your house and beat you to death with the kickstand I took off my bike.

WTF Wednesday: You, Sirs, Are Monsters

Apparently, I’m on Groupon’s shit list.  I still haven’t seen my Solar Bullet.  Groupon sent me this email:

How many ways can they say they didn't mail my shit?

How many ways can they say they didn’t mail my shit?

I have some issues with this email but y’all probably knew that, right?  We’ll do this hardcore, take no prisoners bullet style.

• First of all, yeah, it’s been a while, Groupon.  It’s been almost a month since I placed the order.  What the hell?  What if this was some sort of solar powered vibrator emergency?  I mean, I don’t recall the shipping options you offered me at checkout but I’m pretty sure “Oh fuck it, I’ll just use my hand” wasn’t one of them.

• Do you even know how many batteries I’ve consumed in the last month waiting for Solar Bullet to arrive at my doorstep?  That grisly alkaline trail is on your hands, Groupon!

• “We don’t want you to feel left in the dark”.  Now they’re just fucking with me.  Do they target their email language specifically to the item you ordered and then laugh and laugh and laugh at the irony?  If so, well done, Groupon.  I AM in the dark.  Naked and alone, waiting for you to ship my damned solar powered vibrator   Well played.

• “We understand that this news may change your plans”.  Well, yeah, Groupon.  Now I have to physically go into the local solar powered vibrator store.  This entails going through a secret door at Starbucks (which will only open after I order a free range vegan green tea frappucino), which leads to a side door of a Democratic party office, which leads to the backdoor of an Apple store and then finally ends in the basement of an organic beard oil boutique.  I was hoping to avoid this sort of seedy hipster shit.

• “If we don’t hear from you, we’ll assume you don’t want the item”.  Oh, bring it, Groupon, but you’d better bring your A game.  You don’t even know who you’re messing with.  I can easily wait on this for the rest of the year.  This will be the longest and most intense game of retail chicken you’ve ever played in your life.  Except I’m naked and very sexually frustrated.

• And finally, what if this had been a Mother’s Day present?  You heartless corporate bastards.

I will be getting my Rob Zombie concert review up tomorrow, hopefully.  E has been out of town this week and I’m operating on very little sleep.  It just took me around 8 attempts to spell “tomorrow” correctly.  I’m not joking.  Also, wine may be involved.

Y’all have a great week!  Thanks for stopping by.

WTF Wednesday: Dick-Ton Of Fun

I rarely keep my ass at home for a full day but when I have to, I take the opportunity to get caught up on a lot of shit.  I read my backlog of magazines, I deal with my “You Can’t Possibly Put This Off Any Longer” stack and I also get to look around websites I don’t check out all the time.

Last week, I got to catch up on all the deals the good people at Groupon are currently featuring.  Imagine my surprise when, in between all the massage and teeth whitening packages, refurbished tablets and yoga class deals, I found this:

groupon2

As has apparently become my tradition, I’ll just do the run-on paragraph, stream of uncensored thought thing here.

Is the Solar Bullet approved by Al Gore and did he test it on Tipper?  Is this an Earth Day only promotion or can I buy this year-round?  What’s the estimated run time on this bad boy?  Wattage?  Horse power?  Does Solar Bullet  come with environmentally friendly lubricant, like a bag of spit?  Does Solar Bullet combine the best of Groupon by massaging and titillating me while whitening my teeth, connecting to Wi-Fi and teaching me yoga, all at the same time?  Now I’m just asking too much, aren’t I?  Do I have to actually use the Solar Bullet in direct sunlight for maximum output?  Because my neighbors have already put up a partial privacy fence and I think that would send them all the way over the edge and not in a good way.  When it’s time for a recharge, do I just put the Solar Bullet out among the solar powered landscaping lights in my yard?  Will the landscaping lights accept the Solar Bullet as one of their own or will Solar Bullet be an outcast?  What’s the point of having Solar Bullet if you’re constantly worried about it being bullied by the other solars out in the yard?  That would just make me feel sad and not very masturbatory and what’s the point of owning Solar Bullet then?  None.  Will my landscaping lights be a bad influence by teaching Solar Bullet to soak up the generous resources of our sun like a glutton all day long and then only work for like 3 minutes, 42 seconds?  Because Solar Bullet wouldn’t have to worry about the bullies in the yard anymore, I’d beat the shit out of it myself.  And finally, have you been visited by the EPA recently?  Exactly how many batteries are you burning through with traditional vibrators that you feel the need to search for SOLAR POWERED VIBRATORS to reduce your environmental footprint?  You sick fuck.

Then I read the fine print:

groupon3

Well, hell’s bells.  Now I have more questions.  Who RETURNS a vibrator, in person or by mail? Seriously, I want to know. Am I getting a “reconditioned” Solar Bullet? Do I need to give it a spin in the dishwasher to sanitize it before use? Should I put an itty bitty condom on it, just in case?  Why is there a limit of 3 per person?  Who is ordering more than 3 of these things?  Hugh Hefner?  Also, you can contact Groupon customer service with any questions you may have about Solar Bullet.  I would pay good money to be privy to that Q&A session.

As I was laughing at this whole hilarious ad while ordering a case of batteries for the vibrators I already own (hey, I’m good at multitasking), I read the part which claims Solar Bullet will produce “60 Minutes of Use”.  It wasn’t so funny then, so in the spirit of full disclosure:

groupon

That’s right.  I ordered it.  Instead of planting a tree for Earth Day, I ordered the Solar Bullet and its supposed 60 minutes of solar power.  I think it’s a win/win all the around.  Mother Earth thanks me for my sacrifice.

I will let y’all know how it goes when Solar Bullet arrives.  In the meantime, I’m showing my landscaping lights pictures of Solar Bullet everyday to promote familiarization and foster acceptance.  I’m also telling them jokes to loosen them up, like this one:  A solar panel walks up to a windmill and says “Your life is nothing but one long blow job”.

Bada-bing!  I’ll be here all week, folks, waiting by my mailbox, of course.  Thanks for stopping by.

WTF Wednesday: How To Remain A Virgin On Prom Night

Just a note:  My husband said this post made absolutely no sense to him at first because on his phone, the video is positioned at the bottom of the post.  So please watch the video, wherever it may be on your device screen, first.  Then proceed to read the post.  Thank you!

I meant to start my series called “WTF Wednesday” months ago but I haven’t really seen anything that made me care enough to actually start the series. Until now.

Exactly as I did in my Oscar The Grouch panty post, I’m just going to do the uncensored stream of thought thing here.

Is your goal to make it through prom with your dick firmly entrenched inside your pants?  Do you wear a purity ring?  Is your prom date Honey Boo Boo or her mother?  Do you practice voodoo and want to be ready for anything?  Is the grease from the chicken leg a last resort lubricant if your dick does make it out of your pants?  Are you a cast or family member of Duck Dynasty?  Are you gay (no judgement), still in the closet and want to show your disdain for the female gender by pinning dead, deep fried body parts of a mostly harmless animal to your date’s wrist?  As a child, did you hate your See ‘N Say with a fiery passion and make a silent pact to yourself that one day, one sweet day, you would get your revenge on that motherfucking chicken and maintain your virginity in one fell swoop?  If you nodded enthusiastically to any of the above, well then, you have hit the jackpot.

Now just some general questions and thoughts:  What’s the style etiquette on this chicken leg thing?  Is the chicken leg the new white shoe, meaning your ass will be voted off of the Southern Spring Azalea Trail Tour if you’re caught rocking that bitch before Easter?  Will KFC eventually offer necklace charms that can hold BBQ sauce and a wet nap?  Can I get a chicken liver boutonniere for my date?  Will KFC eventually up their game and offer wedding bouquets featuring a bucket of chicken and two family sides?  Is it in really bad taste (pun intended) to do the Chicken Dance while wearing a chicken corsage?  I had two dates to the prom so I would’ve really caused a spike in quadriplegic chicken stats.  Actually, a chicken doesn’t have four limbs so what would that be called? Duoriplegic?  Will Miley Cyrus gyrate naked on a giant fried chicken leg in her next video?  Dear God, KFC, what have you done?!  Think of the ramifications.

If you really, really like the girl, can you upgrade to a breast?  Personally, I think chicken legs may as well be chicken ass.  If a chicken corsage could translate to emotion, it would be flaming, all consuming, death seeking hatred.  There’s not an emoticon for that but now there is a corsage for that.

And finally, if you’re going to give me a corsage I can eat, it had better include a Krispy Kreme Dougnut because I can and will totally beat your ass with a chicken leg.