Well, I feel pretty stupid. While I was in Texas last week for my Dad’s surgery, I took my Mom to lunch for an early Mother’s Day present. She chose to eat lunch at Olive Garden. Although the meal was delicious and our waiter was an absolute doll, I really fucked this one up.
Although it’s too late for a happy ending this Mother’s Day for my Mom, it is most certainly not too late for me. E, you’ve been given notice. Get on this shit STAT. If I get a gold locket, I’ll put it up my twăt (sounded out with ă instead of ä, who fucking knew?). Hell, if I get anything other than Wolverine, I’ll put all of it up my twăt in protest.
I know this may seem an unreasonable demand since we’re only four short days away from Mother’s Day. I am nothing if not reasonable. Should Wolverine be fully booked, these replacements will suffice (in this strict order):
- Star-Lord. Tell him to bring the long red leather coat and the mask. Don’t forget his Awesome Mix, Volume 1 & 2.
- Thor. WITH his hammer. No, his other hammer. Just tell him to bring all his damned hammers.
- Bruce Banner. Not Hulk because I actually like my twăt intact. And not the Edward Norton bitch. I want Mark Ruffalo.
- Tony Stark, not Iron Man because that’s just weird. Fine, he can bring the mask just in case things get crazy.
- Bad Bucky from Captain America. Tell him not to show up without that metal arm and the black mask.
Who said I was high maintenance? See, I just gave you an easy to follow Mother’s Day buying guide. You’re welcome.